Facebook Idiots

So, we all know why facebook is really so popular. Nothing is more satisfying than friending some acquaintance from high school, digging through their pictures, and seeing how wide they've grown in the years since you've seen them. The arch rivals are of course, divorced and stuck living with their mom, the exes who dumped us had to drop out of law school and now work at McDonald's. So. Satisfying.

But many of those people listed above, although fun to judge, have nothing on the most ridiculous of facebook idiots. These are the people who post the most intimate details of their life in their status, week after week. I have two "friends" from the high school days who do this constantly.

One, let's call her Amber, detailed her desire to have a child, When and where she and her husband were "trying." Amber's visits to the gynaecologist. Amber's sadness when she found out that she needed a hysterectomy. The parade of updates continued as Amber was sure that she was dying from her surgery. Amber decided she wanted to adopt a child. Amber whined each day about how she wanted a baby girl, but was unsure if it would ever happen for her. Amber was bitter because it seemed everyone around her was getting pregnant with little baby girls. Amber: 3 weeks since talking to the adoption agency for the very first time, still no baby girl! Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Amber hates her life, and tells me so through facebook update. Oh, and now, less than a year since she decided to have a child, she has Ellie, a cute little adopted baby girl. What a long wait! Now, this would be really depressing, I'm sure. In all sincerity, I usually felt sorry for her when I read her updates. BUT:

1. How shitty must her husband feel? She is completely miserable, despite having a husband with a job who, from what I can tell, loves her more than he should. Nothing he can do is enough. NOTHING. He cannot make her happy. Happiness only comes from one thing: baby.
   
2. This girl already has a kid, Josh, who she apparently completely ignores. I assume this because she spends 90% of her time updating her facebook about how she wants a different baby and sending me Frontierville requests.
3. I don't want to know when her surrogate mother is 90% thinned and 3 cm dilated. I don't want to know when anyone is dilated. None of my business, I'm sure. I promise I won't tell you all if MY vagina/cervix happen to be bigger or smaller than the day before. This is my pledge to you.
   
4. Despite the fact that she DOES let me know about the state of another woman's vagina, God forbid she use the proper technical terms about her own equipment. At one point, she posted the words "I need a hystorectomy," then deleted that post and from that point on, posted only about her "woman troubles." Nothing is worse that using your grandmother's terms for reproductive organs.

I wish you the best, Amber. I hope your child isn't as crazy as you are, and definitely hope that she's better than that other kid you have.

So that's one facebook idiot. The other "friend" is one of those people who made me question religion in high school. The daughter of Baptist ministers, she was always the girl singing about Jesus or leading Fellowship of Christian Athletes, only to have sex with her boyfriend in the bathroom (pick a team: Team Sluts or Team Jesus). When I first became her friend on facebook, Teena was "happily married to the best man in the world, with the two most beautiful children I've ever known." Well, that fell through, and she proceeded to swear off men forever. At least she had her kids. So, Teena moved home, and then immediately was "in a relationship."Little red heart. "I am so in love with Nick! He is the best." "Nick brought me dinner: fried chicken from Bojangles. Mmm." "I thank God that Nick is in my life. I feel like I have been given a second chance, and life is better than it ever was." And, then two days later. "I think I really screwed up." Teena is now single. Little broken heart. Now, flash foward to two weeks later. "I am totally and completely in love." "I met the best man in the whole world, and he loves me!" Tara is now in a relationship. Little red heart. Tara is now married. Little red heart, link to a picture of two people at the courthouse, plus their kids, totaling 4. Nothing to build a bond like someone else's children. Oh, and this guy is John, not Nick.

Now, Teena, from what I can remember, is really a kind person, but I can't help but think that she is a complete and total idiot. Not only do you jump into relationships, which clearly NEVER work out for you, but you then post about it on facebook. To me, the test of a healthy relationship should be a count of the number of posts about how great your significant other is. The fewer, the better.