Are you Swans???

So we have my dad to thank for this blog...

Dad will retire this Christmas from UPS. He's been delivering packages for over 30 years. While I appreciate UPS, they helped me pay for college and kept me in glasses/contacts, but I could NEVER do that. Anyways, I was talking to Dad on my way home from work, when he said, "Hold on just a second." He came back on the phone laughing, I could see him rolling his eyes in my head, lamenting how stupid people were. I asked him what happened...

"I dropped off the package, rang the doorbell and left. The lady came to the door and yelled, Are you Swan? (Do you know them? They deliver food to people.) I said, No UPS. Then she said, well what is this? To which I replied, I have no idea.... What is she thinking? I didn't order the package, I didn't ship it, I have NO idea what's in it. Then the stupid lady let the dogs out, she was talking to me and she let the dogs out!! They came running up to me, I just stuck my foot out. The dumb dog rang into it. I didn't kick it mind you, I just stuck my foot out."

I said, "ohh dad, welcome to my world, I probably teach this woman's child!"

Status updates continued

I have lots of friends on facebook that I've never met and don't even know. I used to ignore friend requests from people I didn't know, but everyone told me that I was just plain mean. So in the spirit of friendliness, I am now friends with about 250 all star citizens that went to the same high school I did. One of these special people must have an extremely shitty life. Every day her status updates are in all capital letters, entirely misspelled and read something like "MY LIF SUKS OH AHHHH F ME MY BABY IS SICK AND MY HED HRTZ AHHH KILL ME NOW." Which is kind of funny to read. Today she had a status update that I don't think needs much commentary. It is pretty amazing.

I hate today... STRESSED THE HELL OUT!! IT REALLY REALLY SUCKS. AND WHEN IM STRESSED OUT I EAT HEINZ 57 JUST THE SAUCE.. HEARTBURN IS AWFUL ESPECIALLY WITH A HYATIL HYRNIA.... UGGGGGGGGGHHH


hahahaha...Heinz 57 as a coping mechanism. This explains a lot.

Idiots Who Don’t Know How to Run an Election

I teach at a school.  This evening, I received an email alerting staff that there will be a Google Doc up for students to vote for candidates in the 1st round of the upcoming student council elections, in hopes of narrowing down the field in preparation for the real campaign in about a week.  This email asks teachers to allow students to vote during homeroom (first thing in the morning) or during the very last period of the day.

….

The email had a helpful note asking teachers to watch for duplicate votes.

….

Ok, let’s think about this. 

1. The document has no way for students to input their name or student number.
2. Most students will not have the same teacher for both homeroom and their last period.
3. There is no reasonable way for the last period teacher to know if any of their students voted during homeroom.
4. During any one class period, a teacher may not be able to assure that a student votes only once unless the teacher himself is standing over said computer.

The result?  Some students don’t vote at all (neither teacher gives students a chance to vote, supposing they have an opportunity in the other class) while others vote two or more times.  In the words of Mrs. Cheeky, “great plan.”

To be fair, perhaps the faculty sponsors of this 1st round of elections are well aware of this potential voting issue and don’t give a fuck because they only want to narrow down the field with (some) student input for the campaign a week down the road.  Still, not explaining this in the email makes it sound like they did not consider this (i.e. they are complete dumbasses).

Oh well, not my problem.

Dumbass know-it-all bitches who add -ay to their names

Mrs. Lowe has already written a post about this girl in my program, a second year student, who thinks she knows everything, who ruined an otherwise lovely meal among friends, and who inexplicably adds "-ay" to the end of her name on Facebook.

On Thursday, I had the opportunity to witness part of a group meeting involving Ms. Ay and two of her colleagues in the graduate student lounge. What I witnessed was Ms. Ay dominating the conversation - but she wasn't even talking about the project they were working on. Instead, she spent most of her time analyzing her self, the group, and the class, talking about how long she thought everything would take and what other people would think of their presentation. While I was there, the group never once worked on the actual content of the presentation, so I can pretty much guess what her classmates thought of it.

Today, the group was back, obviously because they got nothing done during their meeting last week. I did not pay too much attention to who was talking and what about - though I really wanted to - but I did hear her annoying voice quite a bit. Once her meeting was over, one of the first year students, also sitting in the lounge, noticed he had a missed call from earlier.

"Oh, you guys still have friends who aren't in the program? HAHA!" Ms. Ay said in her normal know-it-all, condescending even though she's a moron tone. "MY first semester, I talked to my friends ALL THE TIME, and I realized I was doing that TOO MUCH, so now I don't talk to them ANYMORE, AAAHAHAHAHA!"

PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP. AND YOU BETTER NOT COME TO MY PARTY.

Idiots I've Never Met

So, as a part of my job, I'm supposed to help prepare for an Anatomy and Physiology class that meets in the evenings. This means that I get supplies ready to go for the students, pull out any models, notes, answer keys, or anything else that the instructor wants. Piece of cake, right? Well, it is. But as easy at this could be, there is something that constantly irritates me about this. What, you might ask? Well. I have a growing suspicion that that lady teaching the A&P class is, well, an idiot.

Now, before you read this--I know this isn't a big deal. I know it's something that shouldn't bother me at all. But it does, because I hate it when people ignore simple logic.

So, this lab that I'm in charge of is a fairly simple setup. There is a classroom portion with lab tables, etc, plus all the big equipment, and a lab prep room where the chemicals, office supplies, and other "instructor only" stuff is stored.

So Mrs. A&P, we'll call her, needed some things set up last Monday...models and keys to the models. Because I don't like to leave stuff just sitting out in the open in the student-used classroom, I put the answer keys in a bin labeled "Anatomy and Physiology" that I created. This was placed in the office area of the lab prep room, so that student can't come in and steal the answers to their labs. I emailed this lady with very specific instructions as to what was where. She sent me a short email reply telling me about how she couldn't get into that room. Now, at the time, I thought this was odd, since she leaves things in there for me to clean up every single day. But I didn't spend too much time dwelling on it. She said it is always locked when she comes in, and it is a hassle to find someone to open it for her.

After I started thinking about this, I got frustrated. As I said above, she leaves me dirty animal dissection trays with water, formaldehyde, and rusting scalpels and pins in them all the time. Why couldn't she get in there? Also, the key to the classroom is the same as the key to the prep room. Because I thought maybe she hadn't noticed this, I sent her an email to let her know that in case she needs something in case of emergency, that she can get in there using whatever key she gets into the classroom with. Then I forgot about it.

Until she emailed me back. She sent back a rude reply that told me that the classroom is always open when she comes in, so to please put her stuff in the classroom, not the lab prep room. Now, this frustrates me for a few different reasons:

1. Couldn't she ask whoever opens the classroom to unlock the prep room?
   
2. Why are you being rude? Shouldn't you, as the lab instructor, know how to get to the damned safety equipment, like the mercury spill kit, first aid kit, and fire extinguisher? I wasn't rude to you when I wanted to be, so please say thanks instead of being snippy.
3. Why is the lab that I am responsible for being unlocked by some unknown entity every day? It is just magically open? There are no classes that meet in the room between the time I leave and the time that she arrives. So someone just walks around unlocking rooms with thousands of dollars worth of equipment? And you think this is okay? No. No, it is not.
   

But anyway, I guess Mrs. A&P isn't grateful. Oh, well. Also. To add to my frustration, she sent me the following email last Friday:

I left the dirty trays in the sink and put the brains with dura mater in the bucket and the others on one tray in the fridge (wasn't sure where they needed to go)....they will need those again next thursday.

I will send you a list today (maybe over the weekend, but defn by monday moring) for monday night's lab....and Wedesday they have an exam on muscle so I won't need anything then.

thanks!

Mrs. A&P

Now...I'm just going to totally ignore the following typos: defn?, moring, not morning, Wedesday, not Wednesday (at least she managed to capitalize that one). Let's just dissect on the basis of content.

I left the dirty trays in the sink and put the brains with dura mater in the bucket and the others on one tray in the fridge (wasn't sure where they needed to go)....they will need those again next thursday.

You know where this sink full of dirty trays is? In the room that's so fucking hard for this lady to get into. Oh, and the trays in the fridge? The brains without dura mater? Try putting them in the bucket marked "brains without dura mater." thanks!

I will send you a list today (maybe over the weekend, but defn by monday moring) for monday night's lab....and Wedesday they have an exam on muscle so I won't need anything then.

When will you send me that list again? Today? Maybe over the weekend? But defn by Monday moring? Thanks for clearing that up.

Also, I must have misunderstood what moring, means, because, despite me sending her an email asking, she didn't manage to let me know by Monday MORNING what she needed, so when I had to leave work at 12, I had squat for her.

I guess she just had to find a key to the room.

Idiots Who Want to Impose Their Religion on Everyone Else

There is an on going controversy in a small local town over a Christian flag flown at a public war veterans’ memorial.  Evidently, an anonymous Afghan war veteran and the ACLU contacted the town council asking the Christian flag to be removed.  After consulting with the town attorney, the council voted “reluctantly” to remove the flag because of the possible legal costs would be too high for the town (not because they should protect the 1st amendment or anything like that).

This has not stopped locals from putting their Christian flag on the site (which the town had to remove) and from calling the town council members to complain.  Now, among other tactics, a group plans a 24/7 vigil for a month to keep a Christian flag at the site: http://www.wxii12.com/news/25133822/detail.html.

I’m sick and tired of myopic religious idiots trying to impose their religious beliefs on others.  These fools are spending time and money (to support a legal fight) to take away the 1st amendment rights of others and their ability to feel like their town and their memorial respects their beliefs (or lack thereof).  The anonymous war vet is afraid to give his identity for the safety of family!

I am perhaps more annoyed by the dumbasses on the town council.  Yes, they voted to remove the flag, but for the wrong reasons.  As members of a public entity, a local government, they should work to uphold our national constitution, not ignore certain parts that conflict with their fantasyland that the US is a historically “Christian” nation.  Have many Americans over the years considered themselves Christians?  Sure.  Were we, as a nation, founded on Christianity and have a national religion established in our constitution?  The answer to that question is an unequivocal “no.”

Believe whatever the hell you want, just leave me and others out of it.

That's the whole bottle of wax.

My Dad is a lover of language...so it kills him when people slaughter it. He works with a guy (let's call him Darryl, since that's his name). Darryl is a nice guy, but he is, for lack of a better term, an idiot. Darryl misuses or flat out makes up so many words, that my dad has started his own list...it's like an Idiot's Urban Dictionary. I had him send me some of the highlights from his list for your viewing pleasure.

Fo Paws- "He made a fashion fo paws when he put that on."

Innerman- "I'm going to get new siding, but in the innerman, I'm going to paint.

Urps- "That really urps me."

Supposably/Supposivel/Supposelly- "He supposably goes to church."

Intensive purposes- "I quit smoking for all intensive purposes."

Overpath- "The I-75 overpath is always really busy."

Presumively- "Presumively, she is going to dump him."

Expediously- "He jumped that wall expediously."

Gription- "Kelly's tires were so worn he couldn't get good gription."

Whole bottle of wax- "And that's the whole bottle of wax right there. You have the entire story."

Other kettle of wax- "Well that's a whole other kettle of wax; not what we're talking about at all!"

Restrainment- "Hillary Clinton has been a model of restrainment."

Relaxment- "I am in total relaxment right now. I feel at peace (Namaste, bitches).

"You don't sit where you sleep." Needs no explanation.

Hot water heater- "To get a good shower, your hot water heater needs to work properly."

Depository- "Preparation H is teh best despository I've ever used."

Cadaber- "They wanted to replace my disc with a cadaber disc."

Nabel- "My nabel is an innie, but yours is an outie."

Ribbets- "Your car is held together with ribbets."

Vindicted- "You are a very vindicted person. Pure evil."

Privrut- "That is your privrut property."

Settlement- "I knew my well was going dry when I got a drink out of the faucet and noticed a little settlement in the bottom of my glass."

Pop belly pigs- "You aren't allowed to keep a pop belly pig in Winston-Salem."

Antsedote- "Just because she told you an antsedote about how she got that bruise doesn't mean you can believe it."

some people just need to be told to shut the fuck up.

Have you ever immediately met someone and known what an asshole they are? Well, that's something that happens to me on a daily basis. Some people might say I'm too quick to judge, but I have found that I'm rarely, probably even never, wrong about my snap decisions.

Recently, I was at a dinner with several people I'd never met before. They all seemed open, warm, like people I'd like to spend more time around. Another friend of theirs was deciding whether or not to join us based on the menu options at the restaurant. Really, before she even arrived, she was trying to dominate our conversation. Well, this was nothing compared to what happened when she arrived in the flesh.

Good God. Now, I'm not a big talker. I like to listen to other people and respond appropriately. I will occasionally throw in a related anecdote when I think it fits the conversation. I understand that other people like to talk a lot more than me, and that's just fine. But, like I said, Good God. This girl didn't take a breath from the moment she walked up to the table. No pauses to listen to others. She could have been the only person in the room, but that wouldn't have stopped her.

Now, this was rude in and of itself. But her incessant babble isn't even the worst part. The worst part is the terrible shit she was spewing. First, she was whining that their Pho wasn't vegetarian. The she decided to order the Pho with tofu instead of beef, but still in beef broth. She then complained about how having beef broth would probably make her sick, but she does it sometimes anyway, so it would probably be okay. (WHAT. THE. HELL. Be a vegetarian or don't. Pick a team). Then, when someone else was trying to speak, she got jealous. This girl said she was anemic, and was talking about how it makes her feel. Then Mrs. Chatty jumps in and talks about how she also has low iron, and went on to explain how she feels when she "feels iron deficient." One of the people at the table I didn't know asked, like acid, how one could feel "iron deficient" and went on to introduce the word anemic into this dumbasses's vocabulary.

Then, this dumb bitch offered her feelings on graduate school to the table. Now, keep in mind that more than half of this table has spent more time in grad school than Open Mouth herself. Her sage advice, keep a notebook and print things out, fell on deaf ears. People seemed incredulous when she told them to plan on studying from 9 am to midnight each day. She said 10 million other idiotic things that I can't remember right now, but you can imagine how brilliant she is.

Wait, maybe the worst part is that she is TOTALLY UNAWARE of how idiotic her behavior is. You're in grad school and have zero social skills? Really? Are you kidding me? Shut up and get a clue. Look at the expressions on the faces of the people you're talking with. Please. For the good of us all.

I brought a pie!

One of my classmates came into the graduate student lounge today at 11:38, ready to eat lunch before class at noon. Upon pulling her Marie Callender's chicken pot pie out of the freezer (I need to teach these people how to cook real food, but that's beside the point) she was shocked to see that it required 14 minutes to cook in the microwave.

After whining about the situation for 4 minutes, Ms. Too-Young-to-Be-a-Graduate-Student devised a solution to her pot pie problem. Instead of cooking it for 14 minutes on medium power, she would cook it for 7 minutes on full power! Genius!

The first thing I noticed was the smell. The second thing I noticed, when she took her once-pot-pie out of the microwave, was that it had disintegrated into a pile of chicken pie goo. It was now 11:49. That pie needed time to cool down. But time was the only thing The Pie Maker didn't have.

Having no other option, she was forced to eat her pile of steaming goo. I relished every moment thereafter; "ow!"s and "hot!"s escaped her mouth while the chicken and carrot ooze entered it. "I guess you can't just double the power and cut the time in half!" she said, the scorching pie exaggerating her intermittent speech impediment.

"No shit," I said, loud enough for everyone but her to hear me as I ate the last bite of my homemade chicken salad sandwich.

Horizontal v. Vertical

First...how am I just now getting invited to this blog???? There is some good stuff here!!!!

Today I went to the front office, don't ask me what I needed, I don't remember. In fact, now that I think about it, I'm not sure I even accomplished my goal. At any rate, let me set the stage for you. We have a main office secretary. Let's call her Mrs. A. I must admit, while I had my concerns at first, I've been impressed by Mrs. A so far this year. We also have an attendance secretary, let's call her Mrs. M. She sits at the window and spews this perceived importance and power.

This week, Mrs. A is at the beach (good for her! I'm completely jealous). In her absence, Mrs. M has closed her window and moved over to the front desk, desk. Let the chaos begin. As I walked through the office this afternoon, I heard Mrs. M talking to another teacher, who will remain nameless, and the conversation went something like this....

Mrs. M: What about the lines?
Teacher: What lines?
Mrs. M: The horizontal lines?
Teacher: Don't you mean Vertical?
Mrs. M: No I mean horizontal, the ones that go across.
Teacher: That's vertical
Mrs. M: No, vertical lines go side to side

Really? And you are the first person people see when they come to our school. The place we are educating the future of America? Perhaps we should start with the staff.

Idiots Who are Obsessed with Their Own Children

After clicking the "Next Blog" button exactly 18 times, I realized that every blog I had seen was a chronicle of the life of one or more babies/children.  Is it mean to want to read something entertaining?  Are these people unaware that not everyone is as obsessed with their children as they are?

Idiotic School Spending

I work for a school system that pays a mysterious person known only as the "Power Nazi" a salary.  The Power Nazi's job is to tour the various schools in Tift County each evening and leave nasty, threatening little notes for those who fail to turn off their computers or overhead lights. 

But wait.  It gets better.

My particular school has an old and outmoded heating and cooling system.  My room particularly suffers from excessive cold due to hyperactive air conditioning.  I teach while wrapped in a fleece blanket.  My room is currently between 65 and 70 degrees.  Why is no one firing the Power Nazi and using the money saved to fix my freaking air?

Facebook Idiots

So, we all know why facebook is really so popular. Nothing is more satisfying than friending some acquaintance from high school, digging through their pictures, and seeing how wide they've grown in the years since you've seen them. The arch rivals are of course, divorced and stuck living with their mom, the exes who dumped us had to drop out of law school and now work at McDonald's. So. Satisfying.

But many of those people listed above, although fun to judge, have nothing on the most ridiculous of facebook idiots. These are the people who post the most intimate details of their life in their status, week after week. I have two "friends" from the high school days who do this constantly.

One, let's call her Amber, detailed her desire to have a child, When and where she and her husband were "trying." Amber's visits to the gynaecologist. Amber's sadness when she found out that she needed a hysterectomy. The parade of updates continued as Amber was sure that she was dying from her surgery. Amber decided she wanted to adopt a child. Amber whined each day about how she wanted a baby girl, but was unsure if it would ever happen for her. Amber was bitter because it seemed everyone around her was getting pregnant with little baby girls. Amber: 3 weeks since talking to the adoption agency for the very first time, still no baby girl! Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Amber hates her life, and tells me so through facebook update. Oh, and now, less than a year since she decided to have a child, she has Ellie, a cute little adopted baby girl. What a long wait! Now, this would be really depressing, I'm sure. In all sincerity, I usually felt sorry for her when I read her updates. BUT:

1. How shitty must her husband feel? She is completely miserable, despite having a husband with a job who, from what I can tell, loves her more than he should. Nothing he can do is enough. NOTHING. He cannot make her happy. Happiness only comes from one thing: baby.
   
2. This girl already has a kid, Josh, who she apparently completely ignores. I assume this because she spends 90% of her time updating her facebook about how she wants a different baby and sending me Frontierville requests.
3. I don't want to know when her surrogate mother is 90% thinned and 3 cm dilated. I don't want to know when anyone is dilated. None of my business, I'm sure. I promise I won't tell you all if MY vagina/cervix happen to be bigger or smaller than the day before. This is my pledge to you.
   
4. Despite the fact that she DOES let me know about the state of another woman's vagina, God forbid she use the proper technical terms about her own equipment. At one point, she posted the words "I need a hystorectomy," then deleted that post and from that point on, posted only about her "woman troubles." Nothing is worse that using your grandmother's terms for reproductive organs.

I wish you the best, Amber. I hope your child isn't as crazy as you are, and definitely hope that she's better than that other kid you have.

So that's one facebook idiot. The other "friend" is one of those people who made me question religion in high school. The daughter of Baptist ministers, she was always the girl singing about Jesus or leading Fellowship of Christian Athletes, only to have sex with her boyfriend in the bathroom (pick a team: Team Sluts or Team Jesus). When I first became her friend on facebook, Teena was "happily married to the best man in the world, with the two most beautiful children I've ever known." Well, that fell through, and she proceeded to swear off men forever. At least she had her kids. So, Teena moved home, and then immediately was "in a relationship."Little red heart. "I am so in love with Nick! He is the best." "Nick brought me dinner: fried chicken from Bojangles. Mmm." "I thank God that Nick is in my life. I feel like I have been given a second chance, and life is better than it ever was." And, then two days later. "I think I really screwed up." Teena is now single. Little broken heart. Now, flash foward to two weeks later. "I am totally and completely in love." "I met the best man in the whole world, and he loves me!" Tara is now in a relationship. Little red heart. Tara is now married. Little red heart, link to a picture of two people at the courthouse, plus their kids, totaling 4. Nothing to build a bond like someone else's children. Oh, and this guy is John, not Nick.

Now, Teena, from what I can remember, is really a kind person, but I can't help but think that she is a complete and total idiot. Not only do you jump into relationships, which clearly NEVER work out for you, but you then post about it on facebook. To me, the test of a healthy relationship should be a count of the number of posts about how great your significant other is. The fewer, the better.

From the Mouths of Babes

Today at tutoring, I heard Reid, the kid in the next room, say this little gem. "Mrs. Bonnett, I feel sorry for retarded kids, because they'll never be able to go to college and get drunk."

"I'm smarter than you, Dr. Gordon"

I'm not lucky enough to teach this kid, but I participated in a conversation with other teachers at school who are fed up with one of their so-called honors students. We'll call him Rob. Rob likes to tell his teachers that the reason he is ostracized by other students is not because he is obnoxious and unlikable, but because he is actually smarter than everyone. He is also smarter than his teachers, who are jealous of him. Their jealousy and failure to recognize his brilliance are, he argues, the reason why he has been a B student since leaving middle school. This little prodigy tells teachers and kids this kind of stuff to their faces.

The capper? During a parent-teacher conference, Rob's parents (and I suppose we should have seen this coming) informed his teachers en masse that Rob's incredible intelligence, not his poor judgment and offensive lack of social skills were the reason for his current lack of success in the world of high school. In fact, the problem is that Rob "really is" smarter than most of his teachers.

Thanks, parents, for crippling your already obnoxious son. I predict that he will be beaten to death in prison for walking up to the head of the Haitian mafia and saying, "I'm better at everything than you."

Is your husband sassy, sarcastic, and ironic around his friends? UH OH!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/18/signs-your-husband-is-gay_n_687160.html#s128659

Okay. So I'm sure you all expect the great people of CHRISTWIRE to be idiots. But still, it's worth sharing this link. Because you might find out that your husband is gay by looking at this information. I know it was earth-shattering for me.

Speaking of Idiots...

http://facesofthelastseasonofoprah.tumblr.com/

YESSSSS...

Parenting: The understanding method

Walking the dog this evening we came across a family walking down the street...Mom and Dad were walking and the kids were riding bikes. The daughter blew by the son and the son promptly started crying his eyes out about how slow he is...which was hilarious enough by itself. Then mom decides to showcase her amazing parenting skills. "You're upset because your sister is faster than you, is that right?" "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "Ok. Well mommy understands that you are upset because you aren't as fast as you'd like to be." "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "Well what if we let you ride in front of your sister, will that make you feel better?" "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
"I understand you are upset but unless you communicate with mommy, Mommy can't make you feel better."

What kind of crap is this understanding method? You can't communicate with a 4 year old like they are an adult. They are stupid. No wonder your son cries because he's slower than a girl. Maybe you should tell him to pedal harder or stop whining.

Chris

Math

Maybe this is because I'm a math genius, but it amazes and slightly annoys me when people cannot do simple estimations of math problems without a calculator. I'm not talking about getting an exact answer, but I don't understand why, for example, if you ask someone to divide 100 by 11, they can't come up with 9 as a rough estimate. This happens daily in my statistics class when I give close-to-exact answers to math problems and everyone else stares at me like I'm the one with the problem.