Every morning, there is a TV show on TLC about new parents during the first few weeks raising their baby at home. This show, coupled with Teen Mom and the statuses of parents I know on facebook, has made me question who should be allowed to keep their children.
I'm not talking about the big things--these people manage to get food in their kids and put a roof over their heads. I'm talking about this growing notion that parents are owed something: a quiet, consistent baby, food delivered to them, hours and hours of sleep a day. The notion that a baby is an accessory, a trendy little thing that you use to express yourself.
I always grew up being taught that having a baby is HARD. The hardest thing a person would ever do, in fact! This is why women for hundreds of years have dedicated time to being stay-at-home moms. They do this, not because it is a luxury, because they want to be lazy, but because it was a necessity before modern conveniences. So I find it shocking (and in fact idiotic) when parents seem baffled for how difficult being a new mom is.
"WHAT?!?! When does my baby get on a schedule??!?!"
I've heard this both from a friend and from parents on TV. Your baby is on a schedule-its own. It will do whatever it wants for the first few months, and you can't do much about that. What type of person goes into child rearing thinking, "My baby will live on my schedule, not the other way around?!" Please. Why do you think parents don't sleep? Because their baby does what it wants, when it wants.
Baby Names
I know that parents want to let everyone know how badass and cool they are by naming their baby something unique and trendy. And I'm not talking about Lashauntaqueisha (LQ, anyone?). I'm talking about people who name their kids obscure Gaelic things, thinking that their kid will just be so much cooler than everyone else. Wrong! Your kid will be a nerd like you, and no one will ever be able to say or pronounce little Findabhair's name (I copied and pasted that from a baby name website, so don't accuse me of making it up). And then there are all the stupid last name first names: Parker, Carter, Campbell, Madison. Now, if this is your family's name, I get it. But it makes NO SENSE to name your kid after no one, does it?! No. I realize this a personal pet peeve of mine, and that everyone reading this blog will probably get pissed off. I don't give a shit. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it. Because I'm right. Like I was right when I was the only woman in the world who thought "Grey's Anatomy" was shit.
Then there are the names that are only cute when you're a baby. Most recently, a friend of mine named her son Cayden. As my mom said, "that's a baby name." Not a grown man. A baby. Do you think little Cayden will grow up to be president? I don't. If he does, he'll go by C. Adam. And I won't even go into the other names that people thought were edgy 15 years ago and then stuck. Kaylas of this generation will be the Brittanys of mine.
Oh, and I almost forgot! The baby name category most growing in popularity! The grandma names! Chris and I jokingly say that we will name our firstborn after my Uncle Clovis. Now, don't get me wrong. I think that SOME old-fashioned names are very pretty/solid and probably should be put back on the market. I might even go crazy and try to name my baby after a dead relative. However, some names are just straight. up. ugly. Example: Gertrude. Say it out loud. Grrrr. Trude. Intrude? Rude? Gerber? I don't know. No positive connotations for me. Maybe I'm just closed-minded.
Now really, you can name your baby whatever the hell you want, and I won't actually care. If you like a name, then go for it. But don't, after you've chosen said name, act like you're so god damned clever for finding a name on a list. Unless you legitimately made up a a name yourself, with the starting materials of the letters of the alphabet, then you're just stealing someone else's work. And you probably picked a stupid name, anyway.
Stupid Life Principals for Babies
What made me decide to finally break out the stupid parenting blog was an episode of "Bringing Home Baby." The parents featured on this particular show are extreme environmentalists. And kudos to them. We should all do our part. They should feel free to use all the cloth diapers in the world. Buy your baby organic clothes that will fall apart the second time you wash them. That's your prerogative. But do you really think it's a great idea to raise a baby vegan? To give it no vaccines? To take out a 1-month old baby on the back of your bicycle? Just as it Jehovah's Witnesses who refuse to give their children blood transfusions, your extreme beliefs are probably going to end up biting your baby on the ass.
Yes, not giving your baby vaccines might mean it won't have autism (even though that idea has been completely debunked. As much as any scientific notion can be proved false, this stupid one has been. Vaccines do not cause austism. But that's another rant). But, anyway, I hope she doesn't contract German Measles, or you'll be up shit creek, and you refused the paddle in the name of trendy parenting.
And to be fair, this isn't just all about environmentalists and health nuts. Every type of extremist belief system applies. It could be having 19 kids due to religious reasons and not having time for anyone. It could be following a basketball team religiously and dressing your baby up only in your team's garb. It could be your own life-ruling germ phobia (that leads to your child be allergic to and sick from EVERYTHING). Anything taken the the nth degree will eventually lead to baby failure.
Over Parenting
Then there are the over-parents. I have a special distaste for these parents after my gifted middle school teaching experience. Some moms and dads, out of painfully misguided love, spend 100% of their time nurturing (a.k.a. smothering) their children. This is a sure-fire way to raise a spoiled asshole with a sense of entitelment. It's great that you care about your kid and all, but really, they kind of suck if you do this. I have a facebook friend who has two over-parented children. Apparently, this lady spends all her time making handmade clothing, food, and crafts for her kids. It's all she thinks about. And it's not like her kids look or act any better than other kids. It's not even like she's saving money. And you KNOW she's at her kids' school every day, driving teachers crazy. I'm sure she checks (a.k.a. does) their homework every night, and then complains to the teacher that she knew EVERYTHING when Mommy Dearest quizzed them on it the night before, so why did little Siobhan fail the test? It has to be the teacher's fault. She knows her child, and her five-year-old would never accidentally lose her homework on the bus. The teacher lost it. That's the only reasonable explanation.
The Under Parent
Then, on the other side of the spectrum, is the under parent. We've all had the unpleasant experience of meeting these parents' offspring in public. The ones, say, crawling under your table and poking their grubby fingers in your food at a Mexican restaurant (True story. Chris asked the little girl if she had ever been stabbed with a knife before.). Running down the aisles of Target pulling items off the shelf. Walking up to you, a stranger, while you're on a walk, asking if you've seen her puppy, he's been missing for nine months.
I encountered the most extreme version of this parent at a recent dinner party. An adult dinner party, no less (no, not THAT kind of adult dinner party). This lady, who definitely needed to spend all her time getting her own act together, of course was the proud parent of Eva. Little Miss Eva was raised under the pretense that children should never be punished; they inherently know that they should do the right thing and have to learn to make positive decisions on their own. Now that all sounds great, but really, it's just a giant crock of shit. Evidence: Eva.
Eva spend the first chunk of the evening playing with her mom's iphone. Not so bad. But when that got old, she took off all of her clothes and then starting pounding her butt as hard as she could on the ground, the couch, and her mom's purse. With each bump, she let out a cry louder than the one before. Then, she started running around, eyes at coffee table corner level. Everyone in the room, except for her mom, apparently, was worried that she would cause bodily harm to herself. Mom never seemed to notice. In fact, mom was so out of it, that when she left, she didn't have her shoes on. She never noticed: someone else at the party said "Whose shoes are these?" Process of elimination led us to Eva's mom.
After Eva and Company left, we discussed the parenting skills in her life further. Eva, at the ripe old age of two, had already had an extremely traumatic and life-changing experience. One of her eyes had to be removed because a dog attacked it. Apparently it was the family dog. Now my greatest fear is that if we have a kid, that our dog will attack it. This is why we have no kids. We're just going to have to wait for Cash Money to die. But really? You put your one-year-old in a playpen with a dog and leave it unattended? I can't help but think that this tragic accident could have been avoided by being a little bit more involved in your child's life.
Well...That's my rant for today. I didn't expect this blog to take me over an hour to write. And I know that someday, I'll be a parent, too, and I'll do things that will make people think I'm a straight up idiot. And that's their prerogative. But for now, it's my turn. Stop being idiotic so that your kids don't have to be idiots, too.
Then there are the names that are only cute when you're a baby. Most recently, a friend of mine named her son Cayden. As my mom said, "that's a baby name." Not a grown man. A baby. Do you think little Cayden will grow up to be president? I don't. If he does, he'll go by C. Adam. And I won't even go into the other names that people thought were edgy 15 years ago and then stuck. Kaylas of this generation will be the Brittanys of mine.
Oh, and I almost forgot! The baby name category most growing in popularity! The grandma names! Chris and I jokingly say that we will name our firstborn after my Uncle Clovis. Now, don't get me wrong. I think that SOME old-fashioned names are very pretty/solid and probably should be put back on the market. I might even go crazy and try to name my baby after a dead relative. However, some names are just straight. up. ugly. Example: Gertrude. Say it out loud. Grrrr. Trude. Intrude? Rude? Gerber? I don't know. No positive connotations for me. Maybe I'm just closed-minded.
Now really, you can name your baby whatever the hell you want, and I won't actually care. If you like a name, then go for it. But don't, after you've chosen said name, act like you're so god damned clever for finding a name on a list. Unless you legitimately made up a a name yourself, with the starting materials of the letters of the alphabet, then you're just stealing someone else's work. And you probably picked a stupid name, anyway.
Stupid Life Principals for Babies
What made me decide to finally break out the stupid parenting blog was an episode of "Bringing Home Baby." The parents featured on this particular show are extreme environmentalists. And kudos to them. We should all do our part. They should feel free to use all the cloth diapers in the world. Buy your baby organic clothes that will fall apart the second time you wash them. That's your prerogative. But do you really think it's a great idea to raise a baby vegan? To give it no vaccines? To take out a 1-month old baby on the back of your bicycle? Just as it Jehovah's Witnesses who refuse to give their children blood transfusions, your extreme beliefs are probably going to end up biting your baby on the ass.
Yes, not giving your baby vaccines might mean it won't have autism (even though that idea has been completely debunked. As much as any scientific notion can be proved false, this stupid one has been. Vaccines do not cause austism. But that's another rant). But, anyway, I hope she doesn't contract German Measles, or you'll be up shit creek, and you refused the paddle in the name of trendy parenting.
And to be fair, this isn't just all about environmentalists and health nuts. Every type of extremist belief system applies. It could be having 19 kids due to religious reasons and not having time for anyone. It could be following a basketball team religiously and dressing your baby up only in your team's garb. It could be your own life-ruling germ phobia (that leads to your child be allergic to and sick from EVERYTHING). Anything taken the the nth degree will eventually lead to baby failure.
Over Parenting
Then there are the over-parents. I have a special distaste for these parents after my gifted middle school teaching experience. Some moms and dads, out of painfully misguided love, spend 100% of their time nurturing (a.k.a. smothering) their children. This is a sure-fire way to raise a spoiled asshole with a sense of entitelment. It's great that you care about your kid and all, but really, they kind of suck if you do this. I have a facebook friend who has two over-parented children. Apparently, this lady spends all her time making handmade clothing, food, and crafts for her kids. It's all she thinks about. And it's not like her kids look or act any better than other kids. It's not even like she's saving money. And you KNOW she's at her kids' school every day, driving teachers crazy. I'm sure she checks (a.k.a. does) their homework every night, and then complains to the teacher that she knew EVERYTHING when Mommy Dearest quizzed them on it the night before, so why did little Siobhan fail the test? It has to be the teacher's fault. She knows her child, and her five-year-old would never accidentally lose her homework on the bus. The teacher lost it. That's the only reasonable explanation.
The Under Parent
Then, on the other side of the spectrum, is the under parent. We've all had the unpleasant experience of meeting these parents' offspring in public. The ones, say, crawling under your table and poking their grubby fingers in your food at a Mexican restaurant (True story. Chris asked the little girl if she had ever been stabbed with a knife before.). Running down the aisles of Target pulling items off the shelf. Walking up to you, a stranger, while you're on a walk, asking if you've seen her puppy, he's been missing for nine months.
I encountered the most extreme version of this parent at a recent dinner party. An adult dinner party, no less (no, not THAT kind of adult dinner party). This lady, who definitely needed to spend all her time getting her own act together, of course was the proud parent of Eva. Little Miss Eva was raised under the pretense that children should never be punished; they inherently know that they should do the right thing and have to learn to make positive decisions on their own. Now that all sounds great, but really, it's just a giant crock of shit. Evidence: Eva.
Eva spend the first chunk of the evening playing with her mom's iphone. Not so bad. But when that got old, she took off all of her clothes and then starting pounding her butt as hard as she could on the ground, the couch, and her mom's purse. With each bump, she let out a cry louder than the one before. Then, she started running around, eyes at coffee table corner level. Everyone in the room, except for her mom, apparently, was worried that she would cause bodily harm to herself. Mom never seemed to notice. In fact, mom was so out of it, that when she left, she didn't have her shoes on. She never noticed: someone else at the party said "Whose shoes are these?" Process of elimination led us to Eva's mom.
After Eva and Company left, we discussed the parenting skills in her life further. Eva, at the ripe old age of two, had already had an extremely traumatic and life-changing experience. One of her eyes had to be removed because a dog attacked it. Apparently it was the family dog. Now my greatest fear is that if we have a kid, that our dog will attack it. This is why we have no kids. We're just going to have to wait for Cash Money to die. But really? You put your one-year-old in a playpen with a dog and leave it unattended? I can't help but think that this tragic accident could have been avoided by being a little bit more involved in your child's life.
Well...That's my rant for today. I didn't expect this blog to take me over an hour to write. And I know that someday, I'll be a parent, too, and I'll do things that will make people think I'm a straight up idiot. And that's their prerogative. But for now, it's my turn. Stop being idiotic so that your kids don't have to be idiots, too.
A long, but righteous rant. I think I have virtually all the same pet peeves when it comes to parents. I know it's wrong, but it almost makes me think you should have to pass some sort of test to be able to have children.
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